yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize