Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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