It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
