I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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