I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
