After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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