im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
