Already got asked if we're dating
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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