So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
