WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize