Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
