The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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