my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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