I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize