Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
