I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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