i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I wish my penis had an off switch
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize