I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
