His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
