I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
