Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize