Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
