hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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