i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
why do cheetos always look like penises
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
