what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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