That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
