Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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