Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
