I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
