Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
