Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
