I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
