when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
