Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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