Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
