I just threw up on my dentist
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
