Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
