everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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