Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
