I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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