i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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