my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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