I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
