Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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