I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
