32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
