Please, let me fuck your mom
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I need moral support for this bender
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize