I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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