The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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