clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
