Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Pants are for mortals
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
