i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i will never coherently bang her
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
