Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
