She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
