Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
