Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
