I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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