I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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