I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
