You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
